Hello, I’m Leah G. Alfonso. I write so that I may speak.
While I do have a soft spot for romance every now and then, I’m one of those people who get picky about the love stories I expose myself to. And while there are some good ones out there, we also have romances that are awkward, awful, or just plain stupid. They could either be part of a story or the whole darn thing. And I’d like to count down the top 12 of them.
#12: Stardust
I’ll try not to step on too many toes since a lot of people like this movie, but it’s not my cup of tea. The movie’s one purpose is to get hopeless romantics to buy the DVD. That’s it. The leads are boring, the exposition is clumsy, and its cheesiness is on par with a Diet Disney movie.
#11: Richard Castle and Kate Beckett in Castle
Don’t get me wrong, I love this TV series. From the outstanding writing to the well-rounded characters, it’s all wonderful. But if the show does have a flaw, it’s in the romance between Castle and Beckett. First of all, there’s hardly any originality in how they get together. They meet, they start hating each other, they date other people, they debate whether or not they want to get together, etc. And when they do get together, their intimate moments are so awkward that you just want to change the channel whenever it happens. Thankfully, they don’t have a lot of those moments…just enough to earn a spot on the list.
#10: Willy and Indiana Jones from Temple of Doom
I admit I haven’t seen the whole movie. But the bits I have seen were just painful, solely because of the flick’s leading spoiled brat, Willy. She’s the typical damsel in distress, and she’s fallen in love with the role. When she doesn’t scream, she throws tantrums that can put Veruca Salt to shame. If this is the kind of girl you’d fall for, I have these requests for you: either donate your brain to science, or get help.
#9: The Notebook
I added this story to the list for one simple reason. It claims that it’s okay to date people you don’t care for, get engaged to them, and then cheat on them with the people you want to be with. I know it’s not the only one that does that, but this one made me cringe the most.
#8: Peter and Mary Jane in Spiderman
I’m not that familiar with the comics, so I’m mostly going by the original film trilogy with this. He’s the awkward guy who cries at the drop of a hat and matures about as much as Peter Pan over the course of three movies. She’s the character who accomplishes nothing except look pretty, date every male character she can get her hands on, and play damsel in distress. On top of that, they spend all three movies debating on whether or not they even want to date. Okay, one movie I understand. But three? There are no words to describe the awkward stupidity of it.
#7: Hunger Games
In the first book, the triangle is acceptable. The whole concept of the Games is a satire of reality TV. Katniss has to pretend to love Peeta to literally survive, but at the same time Gale is her best friend, and she can’t help but wonder if she could’ve had a future with him. So to have a love triangle that served a purpose in the story added to the intelligence of the series. But in two and three, it went from ingenious to just plain awkward. Katniss not only falls in love with both of them, but she also manipulates them over and over again. And they eat it up like it’s no big deal. Need I say more?
#6: Cinderella
Cinderella has too many adaptations that have no idea of how to either keep the story fresh or make it better (with a few exceptions. Ella Enchanted, for example). Because of its unfortunate popularity, it’s too easy to make an adaptation out of Cinderella and make it popular. And because of that, we’ve turned the classic into a formula for success. There are a lot of other reasons I could give for hating Cinderella, but I still have five other love stories to insult.
#5: Zac Efron and Taylor Swift in The Lorax (2012)
Thanks to the idiocy of modern-day Dr. Seuss movies, this one doesn’t even get the heart of the story. The crux of The Lorax is the message, describing how easy it is for people to take too much from the environment, the consequences of such situations, and how we have hope as long as “someone like you cares a whole awful lot.” This film, like the other dumb adaptations, decided to focus instead on exploiting the lowest common denominator as well as celebrities who had nothing better to do.
#4: Almost everything related to Disney Channel
Whenever a DC movie has a romance, it follows every storytelling cliché in the book. They have love triangles, they have nerds pining for the cute girl/guy in school, they have a boy and girl hating each other before loving each other, they have the glorification of the commonly misunderstood version of Romeo and Juliet, etc. The only feature you can use to distinguish the films and TV series from one another is either the setting or the parts of the plot that don’t involve romance.
#3: Twilight
I’m not the first one to bash the Twilight saga, and I’m sure I won’t be the last, so I’ll make it simple. It’s awkwardly written, it promotes everything wrong with humanity, and it proves how easy it is for a book to be popular without being good. Now, Twilight is famous for being one of the most hated stories of all time. But believe it or not, there are two that are much worse.
#2: Fifty Shades trilogy
Ladies, word of advice: If his fetish involves controlling your life and treating you like a captive, do yourself a favor and don’t waste your time by agreeing to be his favorite toy. Instead, knee him in the crotch, punch him in the nose, and make a break for it. That summarizes my thoughts on this series best.
#1: Michael Bay’s Pearl Harbor
First of all, it’s a rip-off of James Cameron’s Titanic. Second, most of the characters are boring beyond all reason, even the ones that existed in the time period (seriously, how do you make a reenactment of history boring? HOW?!?!). Third, it disrespects everything from the military to history. Fourth, it has fans who don’t seem to mind how insulting this movie is. And finally, Michael Bay realizes that Pearl Harbor was a mistake mostly because he thought, and I quote from the speech he meant to give, that “history was cooler than it actually is” (http://popwatch.ew.com/2014/01/09/michael-bay-ces-speech/). Say whatever you will about this movie, but it is one of the worst love stories ever created.
Photo sources:
http://www.latimes.com/food/dailydish/la-dd-best-valentines-day-coffee-20140204-story.html
http://bslcrane.blogspot.com/2012/10/movie-review-for-stardust.html
http://canadagraphs.weebly.com/polls-and-awards-blog/best-of-tv-awards-2012-winner-best-couple-richard-castle-kate-beckett-caskett-castle
http://indianajones.wikia.com/wiki/Willie_Scott
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0332280/
http://davaflava.wordpress.com/tag/spider-man-2/
http://thehungergames.wikia.com/wiki/File:Peeta_katniss_gale.jpg
http://www.fanpop.com/clubs/cinderella-and-prince-charming/images/19641027/title/cinderella-prince-charming-screencap
Taylor Swift and Zac Efron to appear on Ellen in February to promote The Lorax
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disney_Channel_(Ukraine)
http://mashable.com/category/twilight/
http://www.thehollywoodgossip.com/2012/10/fifty-shades-of-grey-movie-hires-screenwriter-kelly-marcel/
http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/pearl-harbor-2001
