The other day, I came across a YouTube video from Hannah Witton titled, “Cis People Should Think About Their Gender Too,” where she brings up questions about gender and answers them for herself. This was inspired by a Twitter thread from a game developer named Heather Flowers, who argued that cisgender people (that is, those whose gender identity aligns with the one assigned at birth) should “better understand a part of yourself that society lets you leave unexamined.”
Since I’m a cis woman with a blog, I thought reexamining my gender would be a great topic for a blog post. So today, I’m going to look at the questions from Flowers’ thread and answer them for myself.
Before I go any further, a note:
Our collective understanding of gender and gender stereotypes is heavily influenced by centuries of patriarchy and colonization. Anger is associated with manhood and sadness with womanhood, though people are capable of both regardless of gender. There’s also the fact that what’s masculine or feminine for one culture may not be the same for another. For example, some cultures associate jewelry with femininity while others associate it with cultural identity. That said, we’ve yet to come to a widespread understanding of what is innately masculine/feminine/androgynous and what was enforced by society. For now, I’m working with the understanding of femininity that I’ve got. I might change my mind on these questions later down the road, I might not.
That also said, none of this is to imply that people should be strictly one thing or another. You’re not less of a man if you wear skirts, and you’re not less of a woman if you prefer having short hair. No group is a monolith, and that’s how it should be.
Sound good? Let’s dive in.
- What do I enjoy about being my gender?
I like what Jon Cozart refers to as, “the brains and the bite of females.” What I lack in physical strength, I make up for in resourcefulness. It’s fun to find a way around whatever challenge presents itself, and I get so much satisfaction from it. And there are few things I love and aspire to in life more than witty women.
I also enjoy wearing skirts and heels. Skirts make me feel pretty while clunky heels make me feel powerful. Though I sometimes cut my hair short, I prefer having longer hair because I like being able to style it in different ways: ponytails, buns, braids, and so much more.
When I think of what inner traits are feminine, the first thing that comes to mind is Wonder Woman, and how she was written to be powerful because of her femininity rather than in spite of it. She sets off to save the world because that’s what she trained for her whole life. She gushes over babies. She scolds war generals for treating soldiers like expendable cattle. She praises the ice cream vendor for something that gave her happiness. She gets to know the men she’s fighting with and listens to their stories. She pays attention to the needs of the people around her while the men keep their eyes forward. And in the iconic No Man’s Land scene, she is moved by compassion to walk onto the battlefield.
For the record, I’m going off the 2017 movie because I haven’t touched the comics, the sequel, or the Snyder cut. That said, everything I’ve said suggests that inner feminine traits include unrestrained emotions like joy and anger, the ability to listen and pay attention, and the desire to help other people.
Whether these traits are innately feminine or not, they’re not restricted to women. And I always feel a little happier when I see them in different kinds of people. Bert from Mary Poppins is able to listen to Mr. Banks and his kids without having to choose between the two sides. Eric from Sex Education is incredibly open with his emotions, to the point where they’re infectious. Hiccup from How to Train Your Dragon studies dragons and spends half of his youth fighting alongside them, for no other reason except he wants to.
On the other side of the gender spectrum, a few of my favorite fictional heroes are Princess Fiona from Shrek, Aimee from Sex Education, and Katniss Everdeen from Hunger Games. In an alternate universe where she doesn’t have to chase Love’s First Kiss, Fiona allies herself with other ogres to fight the powers that be. Aimee is one of the most genuine people in the entire show, and when she feels, she feels deeply. And though Katniss can be wishy washy when it comes to motivations and who she fights for, in the end she refuses to be corrupted and she refuses to continue playing political games. That is what ends the era of oppression and brings peace to Panem.
- Why do I identify with my gender?
It feels right to call myself a woman. There was a time where I wanted to be “one of the guys” (the Cool Girl, the “Not Like Other Girls” girl, the Girl Boss), but even then I never considered myself a boy or a man. Thinking of myself as something other than a woman feels like wearing clothes that don’t fit; uncomfortable, distracting, and generally unpleasant.
- What gendered expectations do I put on myself? Do I enjoy these expectations? Why or why not?
One expectation I have no problem with is shaving pits and legs. Sometimes I leave them be, other times I feel better after I’ve done it.
One expectation I don’t enjoy as much is makeup. As much as I like looking pretty, putting it on feels like a hassle. It smudges, I have to remind myself not to touch my face, and the thought of using eyeliner still scares the living daylights out of me. And sometimes I look at myself after putting on makeup and I feel like I’m trying too hard, which makes me feel stupid.
Sometimes I feel like I need to be warmer and more open. In high school, I was praised for my ability to listen to other people and be empathetic. But back then, I was a doormat who wanted everyone to like me. Nowadays, I feel cold and distant from everybody even if we’re in the same room. I have more freedom, but significantly fewer friends.
- What gendered expectations do I put on others?
One big thing is body hair on women. When I see women with body hair (on her chin, on her legs), my unfortunate first instinct is to think of them as “poorly groomed.” Another thing is men’s fashion. As fun as it is to watch men exploring different ways to express themselves–through makeup or fashion–the ignorant and impulsive part of me wonders if these same men are trans women who haven’t come out yet.
One thing I have yet to work past is how I assume someone else’s gender based on their appearance. If they present as feminine, or they have big breasts, then I make a snap judgment and assume they’re women. If they identify as women or non-binary, but they’re built like men, then my first instinct is to assume they’re men.
Body design and gender are two different things, and one doesn’t define the other. And to reiterate myself in the beginning, we’re still trying to understand what is innately associated with gender and what isn’t. While some part of my brain understands this, the other part is still catching up. It’d be nice if I weren’t the kind of person to make snap judgments about other people, but unfortunately I’m not. Especially since my home country–and most others around the world–still enforce the idea of assuming someone’s gender based on how they look. Hopefully, it won’t always be like that.
- How do societal expectations affect my gender presentation?
Sometimes I feel pressure to look more stereotypically feminine. In many workplaces, women have limited options for how they’re allowed to present themselves. I once had to sit through a sales pitch from a fashion consultant telling us about how to dress more professionally, and the whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth.
The pressure to wear makeup is another one. I’ve been lucky in the pandemic because wearing masks meant I could leave home with my natural face. But I’ve noticed I tend to get more attention from other people when I put more effort into my appearance, which drives me crazy. I feel like if I want people to take any interest in me, then I have to present myself in a way they find adequate.
I think the biggest thing for me is behavior. A lot of people in my life expect me to be the Nice Girl stereotype, who is all too happy to serve other people at the risk of my own feelings. And trying to be the Nice Girl ruined my life as much as trying to be “Not Like Other Girls.”
- In what ways could I better feed my gender?
I’m in my post “Not Like Other Girls” phase, so in the past year or so I’ve been trying to reconnect with parts of myself that I’ve neglected. I’ve watched chick flicks like Mean Girls and Legally Blonde, I wear skirts and dresses more often, and I’ve rediscovered my interest in romance novels. During the pandemic I’ve been feeding my creative endeavors through learning how to cook and craft, so I hope to be able to do more of that. And while I’m done being nice, I could stand to be kinder and reconnect with the part of myself that wanted connection with others.
I think the main thing I still need to do is repair my relationship with my body. Chronic illness, societal beauty standards, and abstinence only sex education has left me feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. Some days I can look at myself in the mirror, and on other days I can’t help but cringe when I try. The thought of having my picture taken makes me want to crawl under a rock. And I can’t help but panic whenever my health feels the slightest bit out of place. I’m still figuring out how to reconnect and heal to a point where I can trust my own body again. I’d like to think I’ve come a long way in recent years, though I still have a long way to go before I can say I’m where I want to be.
- How do I visualize gender as a concept? What does my gender, specifically, look like?
Our understanding of gender is still evolving, so I haven’t yet figured out what gender as a concept is. I’d still have to do research before coming to a conclusion on that. If I had to come up with an answer now, I’d say gender is a way in which to better understand ourselves, who we are and how we tick.
For me specifically, I visualize my gender as a phoenix. My strength and my sense of self have gone through phases of life, death, and rebirth. And I see feminine strength the same way. Throughout history we’ve seen movements of change come and go, experiencing death and renewal. Women have been leading the fight for change throughout history, from the suffrage movement to the Civil Rights Movement to the Stonewall Riots to the #MeToo movement. When one wave dies, another one is bound to come along. And on the day where all people are finally free, we will soar like phoenixes, our spirits dancing with the wind. And when I think of my gender, nothing speaks more to me than this.
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